For those to whom the world has been a little too cruel, a little too lonely, and whose chosen mechanism is escapism.
I hate it here, too.
What a rollercoaster of a read. Childhood best friends Tate, Silas, Noah and Mia had been friends for years, until Mia found out about the secrets her best friend Noah has been keeping from her.
“Mia, I don’t think I’m looking at him like anything.”
“Good, because he’s only flirting with you because you’re leaving, and he’s wondering if he can fuck you before yuo go. He doesn’t like you.”
“You said that already, and-”
“And you’re not pretty enough for him. I’m sorry, but you’re not.”
I pull my arm away and roll onto my back. “I already know I’m ugly, Mia.”
“Well, that’s one step,” she says. She isn’t normally mean like this-it isn’t her. She’s hurting and I know that.
But it doesn’t make it fair. It doesn’t mean she’s wrong either.
“If you fuck him, you’re dead to me; you know that right? You’ll ruin everything. You’ll ruin all of us.”
“Got it.”
I could not imagine having a friend like this. I know when I’m hurt I want to hurt someone but it’s always the person who hurt me. I’ll definitely have an attitude, be short with you and maybe even tell you to fck off, but I would never go after how someone looks. If it’s something that can’t be fixed in three seconds, it’s not something you bring up. She could have stopped at just that but no Mia had to drag Noah in the mud with her insults.
Shouldn’t she be bad at her twin brother Tate for going after her best friend. Not blame her for him treating her differently. Maybe he really does like Noah, but can’t say because his sister is being a bitch after breaking up with her boyfriend
And Unfortunately Mia doesn’t take the news well and to make matters worse Noah has to move towns.
“You won’t find anyone who knows you like this-who loves you like this. I know the ugly parts-the ones that will always be a secret, the parts you’ll never be able to say out loud because I was there. You know mine, too. And you know what I’m capable of, and you’re always going to love me, anyway.”
“That sounds like a threat.”
“Who wouldn’t want to be loved like a threat?”
Now Noah has to navigate the rest of high school in a new town, with new people, and maybe these new people will be good for her.
🖤Things take a turn on the dark side when we find out what happened to Mia, Tate and Silas during the time Noah was away. But when a friend invites her for an end of summer party she is shocked to find Tate and Silas at the party. And what a party it is.
I can’t take it anymore.
“I just want it to be over. I want to be clean too.”
“Oh, and Noah?” Tate adds. “We like it when you crawl.”
If I’d known they’d ruin me so completely-so deeply that even reminiscing about the hurt feels better than anyone else has made me feel since-I never would have let it happen.
But I didn’t know any better. When you don’t know better, toxic can feel like passion. At least it’s loud. At least it’s better than nothing.
I don’t know about you but I felt this. Having something-anything that can make you feel when you’re dead inside is addicting even when it’s bad for you.
I feel like a god right now; I’m unstoppable. I can have whatever I want, and right now, I want Noah
Anyone else notice the little connection to another one of Elle’s books? Anyone else you know who loves blood and gore almost as much as Tate and Silas. Maybe a band perhaps? Gods of sorts? Guess you’ll have to read to find out
We’ll always be the runaways-the cannibals from my childhood bedtime story.
The murderers and their victim who mistook this all for love.
Still, It feels good to feel wanted, and it feels even better to feel wanted in front of other people. I can’t quite put my finger on why.
I don’t know how Elle comes up with these characters but I can always relate to some part of them. Someone who has been called ugly, not pretty enough, fat and whatever else you can think of I’ve heard. So when someone actually wants to be with you and they show you love for the world to see when all you’ve known is that you are not worthy of love it’s addicting. I still get butterflies when my husband holds hand, grabs my waist or ass and whatever else when we are in public. It’s nice knowing someone loves you and isn’t shy or ashamed of being seen with you.
“My mind isn’t always a good place to be. But you’re always there. The way I think about you-the things I want for you, for us…some of it would probably scare you, and I don’t want to scare you. But I want you…every part of you. So, no. I don’t see you as a friend. I see you as mine.”
I want to take care of them both. I don’t need money; I don’t need fame or notoriety or anything like that. I just need a purpose. And that’s my purpose
Poor Silas, he just wants things to go back to normal between the three of them.
“Let’s be even…just for now, Noah. Because I want to touch you and taste you so badly. You got me all muddy, and I got you all bloody. You can take another chunk out of me tomorrow if you want, but just not right now, Okay?”
“It’s weird,” I whisper, still staring at the broken buttons on the old, yellowing phone.
I thought it was weird that Tate kept saying that. Something told me he kind of knew what was going to happen to Noah when Silas told her about Tate’s plan for her. Just like Mia he knew something wasn’t right.
I’m tired and sore, but somehow after everything, whole again. I guess I like the ones where the bad guys get away, too.
“She abandoned us.You said yourself that it still hurts to think about. If she’s gone, you want have to think about her anymore”
“I’m not sure it’ll work like that.”
I place my hands on his cheeks. “That’s okay. I’m sure, and I’ll show you. I can kill her for us. But.. you can’t help her. Promise me.”
Silas nods slightly. “I promise. I won’t help her.”
“That’s a good boy”
I think this was the first time we got a look into Tate and Silas relationship before and after Noah. Tate seems to be the one wearing the pants-take charge- in this relationship, and Silas just wants Tate to be happy again after losing his sister and mother. Tate seems to be hell bent on unaliving Noah, even if his feelings are completely opposite. But I think Tate is one of those people like me who can’t really express their feelings or don’t exactly know what they are feeling but the emotion from it is too much and you want to hide that feeling anyway you can. And unaliving Noah will take “away” his pain-feelings.
“Tate..” I pause, shrugging him off “Don’t.”
“Why not? Let’s just call it even for a minute okay? I left you in a hole– fine. I’m sorry.”
“I almost died in that fucking hole, Tate! I–”
“And you…” he interrupts. “You beat me with a barstool, stabbed me, and tried to eat me like you ate your fucking dad, so… that also wasn’t very nice, Noah. You’re not a nice girl. And it makes me fucking angry when you pretend you’re a nice girl.”
“Yeah, well, it makes me fucking angry when you pretend like you care about me! When you act like you care if I eat, and you feed me and sing to me or when you tell me we’re what love looks like to you, and then you go and…” I can’t even say it, so I don’t. “You were always a manipulative fuck..”
“Thank you” he says “Yes, I am. But not to you, Noah. Never to you.”
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